New IATA Codes and Definitions
New up to date IATA definitions for all you airline or ex-airline people out there.
Padded seats, no charge for use of lavatory.
Low cost carrier: Bring your own cushions and paper; credit card swipe for lavatory.
Cabin attendant: Two-legged mobile device for extracting cash from captive audience
Economy class: Conditions under which transportation of animals would constitute a criminal offence.
Business class: Exclusive area for use of badly behaved airline employees' children traveling on a pass.
First class: Exclusive area for use of airline employees traveling on a pass.
Open-Jaw: What clients do when they find out what their fare will be.
Double open jaw: As above, but when they realize that this did not include taxes and surcharges
Passenger: Cargo that talks. Self-loading freight.
Airline Club Lounge: Paradise-like kingdom guarded by dragon-like creatures.
Fog: Weather condition, invisible to normal people, generated by airports and airlines as an excuse for disruptions.
NO REC: The passenger went online and booked his own flight.
Direct Flight: 1) Connecting flight in disguise. 2) What self-loading freight (see above) think a non-stop flight is.
In-flight Snacks: Little treats sealed in a bag impervious to all but chainsaws. Guaranteed to spill everywhere when finally opened.
Baggage Sorting Area: See "Bermuda Triangle."
Codeshare: Magic trick in which aircraft from several different airlines leave from the same gate at the very same moment to fly the identical route.
Gate Announcement: Vital information delivered over a defective sound system and given by specially selected personnel with severe speech impediments and an inability to speak any language known to mankind.
Blankets and Pillows (archaic): Sleep-inducing objects said to have existed in primitive times.
Minimum Connecting Time: Time it takes for an Olympic gold medal sprinter to run between two gates.
Hotel/Car Rental Shuttle: Vehicle subject to paranormal effect. While waiting, every van will come by multiple times -- except yours.
Overhead Luggage: Rectangular object expected to magically shrink from the size of a refrigerator to the size of a loaf of bread.
Frequent-flyer Programs: Airline's term for Pandora's box.
ARUNK: Sound passenger makes when sitting between two very large people.
On Time Arrival: Obscure term, meaning unknown.
On Time Departure: Cabin doors closed within 15 minutes of scheduled departure. Subsequent delays irrelevant.
Unforeseen circumstances: the Captain got lucky last night and overslept.
Legroom: Small space which shrinks during flight and into which an amputee dwarf would have difficulty fitting his non-existent legs.
"We will be landing shortly, and the captain has switched on the seatbelt signs. Please return to your seats to their locked and upright positions and fasten seat belts": Does not mean "leap up and start pulling luggage out of overhead bins while aircraft is on final approach in turbulent conditions."
"Please remain seated until we have come to a complete stop at the gate and the Captain has turned off the seat belt sign.”: Does not mean "Jump up and stand like sheep in the aisle pushing towards the exit doors, which are still closed.."
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